Listen to Your Own Heartbeat. Turning Experiences Around. The Past is Sincerely The Past. By S.O. Special
The past sincerely is the past and life takes its form and structure from whatever energy we feed into our present moment. Sometimes (often), this is bringing the past in a kind of perpetual video replay so it initiates every single thing in your life, and you then become its prisoner. It’s making that decision to first draw a line around it, then move beyond it that determines courage. And to do it without needing revenge outlines the beginnings of the making of a master. When each of you are able to touch your inner, or Spiritual, being – your Soul – and hold a conversation with yourself, without question nor judgment, you will have truly arrived Home. It’s here that you all seek.
With many people there have been many similar stories and over the decades it has been my privilege to work with many of you and take you beyond your pain and imposed limitation. It’s only now that I feel called by Spirit to share with you through your writings and insights some of the heroic stories of what you did for yourselves and how you were able to leave the past behind, moving into a beautiful future. I call it …. The Emergence. Anna.
I was sexually abused from the age of 6 to 8, I can’t remember who I was before this – there is no before only after. If I didn’t know who I was before the abuse, how could I know how it empowered me or changed me.
The man who abused me was a trusted family friend, I was regularly placed in his care. At the time I thought what was happening to me must be my fault. Why else would my parents put me in in this position? Surely I must be doing something wrong to be violated and punished like this. I started building a fortress around myself … protect, bury and suppress!
I told no-one of the abuse until two years ago. This forty-year secret was my shame that I held alone for all those years. I thought if I pretended it didn’t happen, it couldn’t affect me … wrong answer! It gnaws at you and wears you down. As it snowballed out of control, night time was the worst for me. The haunting visuals and replays were hard to override in the early hours of the morning and the fogginess from drinking wine and taking sleeping tablets placed me further into despair.
Sexual abuse tainted many aspects of my life. It made me question myself for being in a relationship with a female. Every path I took or didn’t take it was there to challenge me … are you doing this because of that? Self-expression was difficult, I became the master of self-deflection.
It was about this time I decided I needed help. I was sick of being a prisoner within myself. Asking for help was hard, I didn’t know how … everything was buried so deep. I didn’t know where to start, in fact I was so confused, I didn’t really know what the problem was.
I took the first step, I knew traditional counseling was not for me – talking about myself was difficult. I found a healer who practiced kinesiology, muscles have memories … I liked that, it felt right for me – it meant my body could do the communicating and it did. My story was out and I immediately started to feel lighter. I knew it was time to let go of the past.
I then met Anna at a spiritual retreat, I remember feeling so peaceful and connected to myself after our first session. I felt I had always been able to love externally and see the beauty in others, but for the first in my life we had turned it to self-love and appreciation … a very powerful place to BE. I began to see the world and my life in a different light. Anna’s writings’ and suggested readings gave me another perspective.
One of my favourite quotes from Anna is ‘You can rewrite your own story because it is the hand of the victor that rewrites history’. For me, I don’t need to be a victim anymore, I am the person I am today because of the abuse, but it’s not my headline, it is just another experience that’s a part of this life. I have a different story now, the visuals have moved from being full colour to faded sepia.
I am practising listening to myself and acting on my intuition. I TRUST that it is right for me, after all, no-one knows me better than me. I know too, that my partner and I have a soul connection, we are together because we love each other and want to share life experiences. She is my best friend too!
I’m not sure what my next step is and that’s OK, what is most important for me is I’m not carrying the burden of my past. My heart is lighter, I’ve reconnected with myself and it is a wonderful joy to be open and free. Love is the key, I am love.
Do the best you can until you know better, then when you know better do better. Maya Angelou